Wednesday, November 27, 2013

#11 - A little more about myself.

Late night blogging, again..

A little update:
Went to USS with Niko and twice with my boy.
Haven't brought my camera out for quite awhile. Regretted not getting an Olympus camera because my DSLR is breaking my shoulders.


I always leave a really bad impression to people. 
Unfriendly, fierce, ahlian etc. Oh and maybe a few "good" ones, like outspoken, loud and daring. At least these are what I get when I ask people to describe me.

And I wish I am exactly like what they say.
(except for the ahlian part la...)

To be honest, I'm really shy. I know I know, "shy" and "Pauline" isn't suppose to go together. I mean, Pauline is strong, she wouldn't break down easily so naturally she does not need to be protected and therefore, how can she be shy? No. It's just easier for me to say "I just don't want to do it" rather than admitting I'm shy. 

I'm definitely not the demure kind of girls and nope, I'm not an introvert, for sure.

But I just don't really like the idea of meeting new people unless I'm surrounded by people I'm close with because I get tensed up very very easily. I'll either blush and keep an awkward smile while backing away or I'll just make myself look very unfriendly. 
And I think my self esteem plays a really big part in causing my shyness.

I mean, who would've thought that I have stage fright and I can promise no one would believe that I don't like to get stares/attention when I'm out. I'm always secretly hoping I don't win anything where there's a lucky draw at an event. I even feel awkward walking pass groups when I'm alone. 
I just don't like the feeling of being alone, I cannot stand being alone, even walking home and taking a bus. That's why I rather take a quiet and longer route.

Weird fact: I hate taking bus alone because everyone is facing the front, so it seems like everybody's staring at me when I board the bus.

Even though I say I give zero fucks to what people think of me but in actual, I care. 
And it affects me a lot.

I was playing nonsense on stage when I was performing violin with my band on stage even though I can perfect that song when I was practicing it. Nope, no one knew because the others played a lot louder and it covered up everything. I just did the exact hand movement as the one beside me but my fingers were not in the right place.

You think it's not serious? Haha.
Last year, when I wanted to go home from nex, it rained, really heavily. So I decided to take the bus. No one press the bell for it to stop. The bus pass by my stop. Still, no one pressed the bell. Until 4 bus stops away, that's when I heard "ding dong" and I alighted with the crowd.
I can't even press the bell and get down the bus alone haha fml...

I hope my shyness will fade away as I grow older. 
Cause it'll definitely make my life a lot harder...


Sunday, November 24, 2013

#10 - Being different isn't bad.

Just wanted to share a video, skip to 0:50.
I cried.



Saturday, November 16, 2013

#9 - We can stay forever young.

Olevel was finally over on Monday. Didn't felt any difference. hmm.. is it just me or..?
But one "after O's" effect I felt was my body clock is freaking screwed. I get 5 hours of sleep everyday without feeling tired. Strange. Maybe because I am.
Got some parts of my hair dyed but I'll probably not talk much about it because well... some like it and some don't. And one of the colour has faded quite a little due to the long hours of soaking in chlorine water at Wild Wild Wet. Was hoping the colour could last at least a week because I kinda really like it. Really glad that D was okay with the colour, well he doesn't have a choice haha.

Sec 1 class chalet from Wednesday to Friday, but I came back on Thursday night. And I wasn't free yesterday, that's why I'm only blogging now.
Chalet was great because of the awesome companions that made this chalet a memorable one. 
#nowplaying: Avril Lavigne - Here's To Never Growing Up

We went for night cycling on the first night, so it's from Pasir Ris all the way to BuangKok and then back again. 17.01km in 2-3hours. Woah that's a lot okay. Started at around 1 am so everywhere was dark as hell, especially Old Tampines Road (i don't know where is it, but Ryan told me it's otr so...). Both sides were trees and it's so misty, is that how you call it? It's just scary la because the road was so wide and everyone was kinda separated with some people riding really fast and others at the back. And we were going against the traffic, with big trucks driving pass us every now and then. Narrow pavements, carrying our bikes over bridges, etc. Once is enough. It's fun and exciting but no I don't recommend it because it's quite dangerous.
But stilllllllll...... Another tick off my YOLO list!

I still don't have the "we're not gonna go school together anymore" feel with my schoolmates currently because it feels just like any other holiday. I would probably feel it after another month. But I'm pretty sure I'll miss everyone.. The 4 years felt more like 4 months. Everything happen too fast. But I hope everyone feels the same so there will be more possibility to meet up. Secondary school is the place where everyone witness each other growing. The appearance changes the most and you get more mature. That's probably why more people remember secondary friends rather than primary school ones after they get older, because we are young adults, right?
Okay, I'll leave the secondary school thingy for another post.
So I have totally no plans for the holiday, just doing what comes to my mind but I'll probably be working on the weekends since I can't meet D. Yep, I'm lifeless now because my world revolves around him. I'm only going out with him or Niko, so if both of them are busy then that's my "rest day" to nua at home hehe.
If you guys know of any job to intro, let me know on my askfm at the sidebar! Will really appreciate it.


I'll blog more and try my best to get back the readers I had in my old blog.
I miss blogging so much. ):

Friday, November 8, 2013

#8 - We're only sixteen. We're just kids in love.

Just in the master bedroom with only the table lights on and my mum sleeping at the back.
It has been awhile since the last time I update this space. O's have been taking up most of my time, especially art. Oh and laziness. Have been using them as an excuse to not do anything for the longest time and I'll probably stop only after 11th Nov which is the end of my examinations. I can't wait for it to end because I'm really tired. I'm constantly yawning.
But then again, when am I not tired?


We met online. Such a "romantic" place. I fell at hello and I'm not regretting it since. It isn't long, just 76 days. When people ask about our relationship status, complicated is the word. Not in a bad way. We're not officially together but we're in a relationship that only we both understand. After being alone for closing to 2 years, I was surprise at how comfortable I am with you. I'm still surprise. Not fully comfortable but more comfortable with you than any of "them". You're a guy that I wouldn't go for 2 years back. Be it appearance or attitude wise.

You hugged me when you saw the cuts that I promised you I wouldn't. You kissed me when I cry and you didn't know what to do. We sat on the floor in front of your kitchen's fridge and ate chocolate bars You fed me your lunch while I use my phone and had my legs up on your lap. You made me sit beside you while you write a little note for me. We hugged for 10 minutes standing up because I didn't want to let go. You pushed my head onto your shoulder when  you saw me leaning on the glass window of the bus. You wanted me to help you withdraw some money and almost gave me your bank account password, but I rejected. You offered $10 to anyone that would help you do something because I was crying like hell, and it was only the second day we talked.

You often label yourself as cold. But look at the things you did that proves that your blood is still warm. I never like showing others my weaker side but you witnessed it yesterday. You said nothing but just held on to me really tight. I clenched my fist. It hurts because of my fingernails. I kept quiet and left it that way. I tried to smile it away, but some things couldn't be disguise. The next thing I know, you were kissing the mark that my fingernails left. You made sure my hands were lay flat on your body while you hold on to them. And that made me cry even more.

I hate how mean you treat me sometimes but I love how soft you would talk to me when I'm really hurt or mad. I hate how insensitive you are but I love how you would only tell me your true feelings instead of useless sweet talks. You hate people that acts cute and always tell me that it's not gonna work on you when I start whining. But you'll give in in the end. You always do. I love how you would bend a little to hug me when I don't tip toe. I love how we hug each other and stare into the mirror. There're just so many things to list about why I love you that I can never find in others.

In this 2 months, we had lots of quarrels and I'm always the one starting it. Or at least most of the time. I'm really sensitive and just unreasonable. In the heat of the moment, I get really harsh and I cross the line. The replies I get may not be perfect, but you wouldn't flare up at me. And I really appreciate that. Sometimes I question myself, who in the world would love and care for me like their little princess other than mummy. And there you are. I don't have anything to make anyone stay. I'm not attractive nor do I have a great personality. It's funny why you're willing to do all these. And this is the cause of most of our quarrels. My insecurities. My low self esteem after T.

You do not agree with some decisions I make but you try your best to accept it unless it's bad for me. Now I'm scared. Very very afraid. You're coming up with solutions and you're staying. And I'm thankful for all these. I do complain about why aren't you like this or like that, but I've come to realise that no relationship will go your way every single time. It's the imperfections that makes everything perfect.


you're the best i can ever ask for
so i'm never letting you go