Wednesday, November 27, 2013

#11 - A little more about myself.

Late night blogging, again..

A little update:
Went to USS with Niko and twice with my boy.
Haven't brought my camera out for quite awhile. Regretted not getting an Olympus camera because my DSLR is breaking my shoulders.

xx

I always leave a really bad impression to people. 
Unfriendly, fierce, ahlian etc. Oh and maybe a few "good" ones, like outspoken, loud and daring. At least these are what I get when I ask people to describe me.

And I wish I am exactly like what they say.
(except for the ahlian part la...)

To be honest, I'm really shy. I know I know, "shy" and "Pauline" isn't suppose to go together. I mean, Pauline is strong, she wouldn't break down easily so naturally she does not need to be protected and therefore, how can she be shy? No. It's just easier for me to say "I just don't want to do it" rather than admitting I'm shy. 

I'm definitely not the demure kind of girls and nope, I'm not an introvert, for sure.

But I just don't really like the idea of meeting new people unless I'm surrounded by people I'm close with because I get tensed up very very easily. I'll either blush and keep an awkward smile while backing away or I'll just make myself look very unfriendly. 
And I think my self esteem plays a really big part in causing my shyness.

I mean, who would've thought that I have stage fright and I can promise no one would believe that I don't like to get stares/attention when I'm out. I'm always secretly hoping I don't win anything where there's a lucky draw at an event. I even feel awkward walking pass groups when I'm alone. 
I just don't like the feeling of being alone, I cannot stand being alone, even walking home and taking a bus. That's why I rather take a quiet and longer route.

Weird fact: I hate taking bus alone because everyone is facing the front, so it seems like everybody's staring at me when I board the bus.

Even though I say I give zero fucks to what people think of me but in actual, I care. 
And it affects me a lot.

I was playing nonsense on stage when I was performing violin with my band on stage even though I can perfect that song when I was practicing it. Nope, no one knew because the others played a lot louder and it covered up everything. I just did the exact hand movement as the one beside me but my fingers were not in the right place.

You think it's not serious? Haha.
Last year, when I wanted to go home from nex, it rained, really heavily. So I decided to take the bus. No one press the bell for it to stop. The bus pass by my stop. Still, no one pressed the bell. Until 4 bus stops away, that's when I heard "ding dong" and I alighted with the crowd.
I can't even press the bell and get down the bus alone haha fml...

I hope my shyness will fade away as I grow older. 
Cause it'll definitely make my life a lot harder...

 xx 


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