I used to feel so confident about myself and that was during my (so called) 'ahlian' period. I changed, for the better of course. But my confidence went all the way down as well. I have completely no idea why and I don't like it.
I want to tell people how I feel about my insecurities but I know it's not gonna help so I bury them and let them hurt me instead.
People asked why do I always post such emotional stuffs on Twitter, and they always get a 'truthful' answer, I want retweets. But no, actually I don't bother much about retweets unless it's gonna get me money or something. I just needed a place to translate the ache in my chest into words.
I wish I was born pretty. I wish I was born smart. I wish I was born skinny.
I wish I was born perfect.
But what exactly is 'perfect'? There's no such thing as perfect, but why is there even such disgusting word in the dictionary. It kills people. So why do people even want to be perfect so badly? Because we're molded by society's demands.
I want myself back. I hate the me that gets depressed because I couldn't meet society's demands. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Happiness over anything. My new year's resolution. People are gonna say "You're too young, you can't survive in this society." but you know what? As cliche as it sounds, you only live once, so why not live it happily because well... you can never ever buy happiness, no?
I'm trying. And I know one day, I'll get back my confidence and be myself. But I promise, I won't go astray again.
A lot of people have been asking me about my O level results. Don't.
I did really badly. 13 points better than my prelim but definitely not good enough. So I've decided to give NAFA a try later on at their open house. And hopefully, I'll get accepted into the course I want really badly. *cross fingers*
I'm scared to go in a new school. Yes, this is one of my insecurities. I automatically assume people wouldn't like me so I don't talk to them unless they approach me first. I can't get pass the feeling the feeling that I don't belong. So it's really not because I'm unfriendly and arrogant or what not but it's actually I'm just really shy and insecure.
I need to get rid of my insecurities or else I'm sure they're gonna kill me some day.
Alright, this post came late because I didn't have time to write it. And I swear this time, it's true. Because I'm working! I'm so glad I got a job with Daniel at his cousin's shop with Niko. I feel so happy everyday because it feels like I've accomplished something instead of lazing at home all day. ^-^
2013 passed by really fast. I wouldn't say it's completely a bad year because some people definitely did made my life so much better. But still, even though it's 2014 already, I just wanna thank a few people for what they did for me in 2013.
Thanks Mimi Ong for always caring for me. Waiting for me to come back home and falling asleep on the couch after my work. Cooking soup for me to drink when I reach home when you're deadbeat. Constant texting me, reminding me to eat because I tend to skip meals a lot. Even though I tend to lose my temper at you for getting too naggy, I still love you a lot. I don't tell you this because it's always stuck in my throat, but I hope you know you're the one I love the most and it will never change no matter what. Thanks for everything Mummy, I love you.
This relationship was an unexpected one. For me, and for the people around me. Well, I mean people always think I like "bad boys" and I kinda unknowingly go for them in the past. Many people didn't expect us to be together but tada. Thanks for all the time and money you've spend on me. Thanks for putting in so much effort to make me happy every single day because I know I am a emotional kid lol. Thanks for getting angry and sometimes almost getting physical at everyone that tries to hurt me. Thanks for spoiling me and showering me with love. Thanks for changing so much just for me and thanks for every single thing you've done for me. We just ended a really huge quarrel, but please know that I still love you a lot.
And lastly, you. Because you've show me a different side of you that I've never realised in my 4 years in Peicai. Thanks for not judging me and still continue supporting me after knowing my little secrets. Thanks for allowing every thing to go my way and spoiling me with Daniel. Thanks for loving me and appreciating my existence in your life. Thanks for bringing so much laughter into my life because of your silly-ness. I love you, my dear friend, my dear sister.
Just wanna thank god for giving me 3 of most lovable people to me. My life isn't that bad after all. I cannot describe how thankful and blessed to have them around. They are the people that had guided me, preventing me from leading astray and making sure that the smile on my face will not be gone for too long.
In the new year, I wish Mummy's health will get better, Daniel and my relationship will get better and Niko's results to be a good news for all of us. But most importantly, I just want all of us to be happier and healthier because these are the things money can never buy.
That's all I have to say and I wish everyone a Happy New Year! I hope everyone's New Year will be great! Goodnight (;