Saturday, May 31, 2014

#35 - Awaken.

I was breaking down really badly yesterday, for the entire day. And the more I did, the more I felt like I will never go through this. Until I received a message from someone from the past. People around me are probably thankful for this person because this is the most hurting yet the most truthful message ever that no one else would say to me.

"The only one that's contented is you. It's hard to explain but you tend to unknowingly turn a blind eye about other people's pain and imagine them to be what you expect. You're making yourself look pathetic. You are nowhere near weak. So move on no matter how hard it is. You can't stay in the past no matter how much you want to. The past is the past."
"Maybe someday, you'll smile genuinely without the help of others but with your own capability."

It's true.
A little about myself.
I have very high expectations for everyone around me. I just want everything to go my way. That's the reason why I get upset at everything really really easily. I tend to make everything that's already bad to begin with, even worse because I overthink about all the minor details. And I'm quite prone to self-destruction when it comes to people that stands a significant place in my heart.

I'm a really pessimistic person. And I'm envious of the optimistic ones. They're all cheerful, bubbly and everything that people would love to see in a person. The kind that will brighten up everyone's day. And I wish I could share the same mindset as them. I don't want to get upset all the time..
I'm trying to do more things that makes me happy and think towards the positive side at the negative things that's occurring to me. Hopefully this helps a little! :D
(anyw, i had icecream on a colourful icecream cone today hehe)

I never like apologising or admitting my mistakes. No actually, I don't think I'm wrong at all, since young I'm like that.
But now I'm doing it because I finally know my mistakes.

A little cute quote I saw online......

"You haven't lost your smile. It's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there."


Wednesday, May 28, 2014

#34 - 50 Shades of Grey.

I got myself Fifty Shades of Grey at the popular just now. I know it's a little late but I guess I'm just weird like that. Only interested in something that has already gone out of trend. It'll keep me company till my school starts or till I get bored of it. My fake spectacles and $5.90 watch came into good use. I don't even use my fake spectacles anymore, it's just lying around the house. Got the watch, for accessorising (obviously), but I'm surprise how it's still working fine up till now. 

It's really irritating how I have to repeat myself when people ask me, "So how's your relationship going?" Do people really expect me to answer more than "we quarrelled"? I know some people are really concerned but I would appreciate if they don't ask for the reason after they know we broke up.
I've been going out almost every single day, keeping myself busy. I think this is the easiest way to move on from a break up other than getting high and ruin my health right? Haha. 

It's scary how fast time is passing. It's already gonna be June in a few days time and I still feel like 16 years old even though I just celebrated my 17th birthday on February. I wish time would slow down but then again, I want everyday to pass by quickly.

Weird humans.


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

#33 - Cookies.

A new life.

I was really sad.
And I baked some banana oatmeal cookies, so "healthy"..


Thursday, May 22, 2014

#32 - I'm sorry.

I wish I was stronger too...
I'm sorry..


Saturday, May 17, 2014

#31 - Broken inside.

15th May 2014 ; 23:20
I will never forget the moment I realised I loved you.

I miss talking about my personal feelings on this space. Because at the end of the day, this space is still mine and I have the rights to do whatever with it.

"... let's break up."
Who knows words can actually hurt more than bullets or blades. I felt the tears. I was sitting alone at the corner. The quarrel is going to start, again. But never did I expect it to end, like this. I held back my tears and tried to smile. It was the only thing to do I could do, and that was to show everyone I'm fine, I'm not affected. It was hell. But you seemed happier and that hurts me the most. Was being with me the worst part of your life?

Every single day still ended with my mind wandering to the thoughts of us, of who we were, where we stand in each other's heart. How do people get over this kind of stuff so easily? Teach me. Someone you've spent a period of time with. You do everything with him and got so used to that life. And suddenly, he's gone. It wasn't sudden for us actually. Everything was going the wrong way for us, we just chose to not see it. Living in denial, believing everything will be fine soon. It didn't, instead it got so bad, to the point where you see the hatred he has in you when he look into your eyes. Where going to bed crying has become a daily routine.

Everything I do reminds me of him and I can't help it. That's why I build walls around myself. I didn't want to get too close to anyone. Because at the end of the day, they're just going to throw you aside and abandon you.

"Take the first step and walk out of your past. Trust me." So I did. But it got worst.

He didn't understand. Why she felt that way every single day. Every time she tried to talk things out, hoping it gets better but it never did. He was the best thing that happened to me. Even though he isn't not sweet or romantic but he was really really good to me. You were never bad to me. It's just that, when you stop feeling for her , she doesn't matter anymore.

She's not foolish, she just love him too much.

17th May 2014
It's hurting so bad. So fucking bad. It feels like every part of me is broken. It scares me to think that you could love someone the way I loved you.

We knew each other on 25th August 2013 and it took awhile for me to take the first step and agreeing to meet you. We got comfortable with each other really really fast and I'm surprised cause I never thought I'll be this comfortable with anyone. I was your EVERYTHING. And you were mine.
Sticking to each other, like super glue. Baking failed cupcakes and ate all of it. Surprising you at work and walked around the book fair for 2 hours while waiting for you to end work. Bringing me to places I wanted to go. Doing stupid actions with our hands and laugh at ourselves. Eating dinner for the first time together at the airport. Walked around Ikea and pretend like we were really gonna buy a house. etc.

"Every single moment you are not in my arms, I feel very uncomfortable."

"I want us together forever."


Friday, May 16, 2014

#30 - Happy Birthday, Qi.



Wednesday, May 14, 2014

#29 - Getting back what I've lost.

Haven't been updating this space much recently. Because I'm at  home every single day, I'm not even kidding. I'm wishing for school to start soon for me so I can keep myself busy and stop myself from having those bad thoughts. Since I am soooooo free, I played around with the stuffs I've stopped for awhile and I this is the outcome. Not nicely taken but at least I have something to put up over here.

Will come back soon. I promise.


Thursday, May 1, 2014

#28 - I don't want to wake up.

没有他 我该怎么过
Harsh lines, blunt pencils. Scarred thighs, scratched wrist. Wet pillows, bruised heart.

The break up destroyed me. I'm broken. He mended me and threw me right back to hell. And there I am now, back at the place I was. 
Time have been passing really slow that's why I don't want to wake up but I haven't been getting much sleep lately. Not that I don't want to, but I can't. I automatically wake up after a few hours. And I dreamt of you last night, when I was finally going to sleep after closing my eyes on bed for an hour. I was asleep but just asleep and then you came. 
I woke up thinking it was real. I jotted it down in my notes because I didn't want to forget anything about you. 
I hate that I have to pretend I'm fine without you. I hate that I have to smile when I really can't hold back my tears, cause as far as I can see, you're doing fine without me.

I don't know when did things became so complicated for us and I don't know why.

I'm losing myself..