Saturday, May 17, 2014

#31 - Broken inside.

15th May 2014 ; 23:20
I will never forget the moment I realised I loved you.

I miss talking about my personal feelings on this space. Because at the end of the day, this space is still mine and I have the rights to do whatever with it.

"... let's break up."
Who knows words can actually hurt more than bullets or blades. I felt the tears. I was sitting alone at the corner. The quarrel is going to start, again. But never did I expect it to end, like this. I held back my tears and tried to smile. It was the only thing to do I could do, and that was to show everyone I'm fine, I'm not affected. It was hell. But you seemed happier and that hurts me the most. Was being with me the worst part of your life?

Every single day still ended with my mind wandering to the thoughts of us, of who we were, where we stand in each other's heart. How do people get over this kind of stuff so easily? Teach me. Someone you've spent a period of time with. You do everything with him and got so used to that life. And suddenly, he's gone. It wasn't sudden for us actually. Everything was going the wrong way for us, we just chose to not see it. Living in denial, believing everything will be fine soon. It didn't, instead it got so bad, to the point where you see the hatred he has in you when he look into your eyes. Where going to bed crying has become a daily routine.

Everything I do reminds me of him and I can't help it. That's why I build walls around myself. I didn't want to get too close to anyone. Because at the end of the day, they're just going to throw you aside and abandon you.

"Take the first step and walk out of your past. Trust me." So I did. But it got worst.

He didn't understand. Why she felt that way every single day. Every time she tried to talk things out, hoping it gets better but it never did. He was the best thing that happened to me. Even though he isn't not sweet or romantic but he was really really good to me. You were never bad to me. It's just that, when you stop feeling for her , she doesn't matter anymore.

She's not foolish, she just love him too much.

17th May 2014
It's hurting so bad. So fucking bad. It feels like every part of me is broken. It scares me to think that you could love someone the way I loved you.

We knew each other on 25th August 2013 and it took awhile for me to take the first step and agreeing to meet you. We got comfortable with each other really really fast and I'm surprised cause I never thought I'll be this comfortable with anyone. I was your EVERYTHING. And you were mine.
Sticking to each other, like super glue. Baking failed cupcakes and ate all of it. Surprising you at work and walked around the book fair for 2 hours while waiting for you to end work. Bringing me to places I wanted to go. Doing stupid actions with our hands and laugh at ourselves. Eating dinner for the first time together at the airport. Walked around Ikea and pretend like we were really gonna buy a house. etc.

"Every single moment you are not in my arms, I feel very uncomfortable."

"I want us together forever."


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